Lonely style lover seeks other style lovers

Why does making friends in your 30's feel more like dating?

In a world of hate follows, nuance trolling and people generally building women up only to tear them down again, Substack has felt like the safest of havens.

For the first time, in a very long time, I’ve been reminded of what true community looks like, witnessing brilliant discussions and space holding that I just don’t think i’ve seen for some time on other platforms. I’ve also been overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers on the internet who have paid me to write about something I love and supported my work by engaging in it. Thank you.

In many ways Substack has felt like a fresh start for me, like when you go to a new school and you get to reinvent yourself all over again.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I want to share the content I make, specifically when it comes to style. Sometimes i’ve debated whether or not I should have called this newsletter ‘fashion with feeling’, because i’m a sensitive soul, and a lot of my writing is centred around the conversations of what getting dressed makes us feel, the good the bad and the ugly, as well as the clothes I wear.

Of course I love beautiful things, I value craftsmanship, but I also love connecting with people who also get a lot of joy out of getting dressed. It is in the sharing of ideas and conversations that I find purpose. That is why I create.

I’ve realized lately, that, well…I feel lonely. I really hate typing that out, but it’s true. I dream of meeting other people in LA who also love and appreciate an expression of style, who appreciate the history of fashion and how deeply psychological it is. I want to meet other people who want to go get dressed up for no particular reason other than to drink coffee and chat IRL, read books and celebrate each other’s style (bonus points if you also love food).

I’m grateful for Substack, and i’m trying to be patient with myself while I find my voice and writing style here, but also, I am CRAVING IRL connection.

I frequently open up the meet up app only to feel a wave of fear come over me. Is it just me or does making friends once you’re over 30 feel more like dating? I don’t even know what i’m searching for? ‘ISO a fashion friend’ sounds superficial and doesn’t articulate what i’m truly looking for. In the end I always talk myself out of it. I’m beyond lucky to have a handful of incredible friends, who I know love me for who I am no matter what I wear, but still, I would love nothing more to meet others who love getting dressed as much as I do.

There’s been a lot of conversation around whether style/fashion/getting dressed, whatever you want to call it can truly be a hobby, something i’ve pondered a lot this week. I think getting dressed is different from buying more stuff and of course there are times when the two overlap. Ultimately I don’t have a specific answer, but all I know is for me personally, I would still enjoy getting dressed even if I was the only human on the planet. It isn’t validation I seek, it’s celebration.

The act of celebrating how I choose to express myself, or someone’s choices of how they put a look together. How they choose to show up in the world, who they want to be on that particular day.

Getting dressed brings up different things for all of us, but for me, I’ve witnessed first hand how beneficial getting dressed has been for my mental health. Sure I’ve struggled with comparison/feeling insecure as much as the next person, but when I look back throughout my life, for the most part, getting dressed holds powerful memories that are both positive and empowering.

As a child I loved playing dress up. My sister and I would get changed at least 5 to 6 times a day, much to the annoyance of our poor mum. Each time we were able to be a different character, take on a new role and experience something different to the last.

When me and my sister lived in London in our early twenties, our favorite past time was getting dressed up to walk around old bond street and look at beautiful things we couldn’t afford. There was sufficient joy in window shopping and making the day special by dressing for the occasion. I miss her deeply (she lives in the UK, I live in LA) and when I went to London in February this year to recreate what we did in our twenties, I was reminded of what it’s like to walk around a beautiful city aimlessly. People watching, being and seeing, and dressing up for no other reason than we can was a worthy celebration. There was joy in the window shopping and talking endlessly about what we liked, what we didn’t and getting excited about what we saw all around us.

I still think one of the best parts of going out is getting ready to go out. When I was in my late teens and would venture out to the local club (a past life ha), getting ready with girlfriends drinking cheap wine, the music blasting, was always the main reason I did go to clubs. The ceremony of getting ready and celebrating the outfit we’d chosen for the night ahead was always the main event for me. The excitement of presenting our newest ‘going out’ outfit to each other, usually from New Look, Dorothy Perkins or the like was a ritual I treasured. I also remember borrowing each others clothes. Often, going out involved a sleepover of sorts, where everyone had to bring multiple options of what they might wear, knowing it might also work for someone else in the group.

A good friend of mine who also loves style shared her excitement at the the thought of moving to LA ‘we could borrow each others clothes if I move to LA’! I love that still gets to be an option (even as an adult), and it reminded me how fun it was to enjoy borrowing someone else’s wardrobe for one night.

Before I became a celebrity makeup artist, I worked predominantly in fashion, back in the day when magazines still held a lot of weight in the fashion industry. While theres ALOT I dislike about the fashion industry (especially as someone who worked in it for over 15 years) but I was always drawn to the curation of ideas. I always appreciated style. I loved seeing a look come together, and that hasn’t changed.

So much of what we see, how ideas are presented, how we connect today happens on a screen, and i’m accepting of that, but I find myself more than ever craving IRL connection to talk about style without judgement. I’m longing to celebrate getting dressed with others, walking aimlessly, getting coffee and discussing all there is to discuss about the art of getting dressed. I long for someone to people watch with. To swap clothes with. Maybe it’s an infantile want that stems from all the nostalgia i’m experiencing, but it’s a want i’m trying to allow into existence. I guess i’m letting the universe know in writing this.

If you or anyone you know fits the bill (and you’re not a mass murderer or stalker ha) i’d love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading

Harry x