Is this the real reason you hate your wardrobe?

I can relate

TW: ED. This piece discusses weight and disordered eating.

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Ah January! The month where every TV advert, and a whole host of B list celebrities remind us once again, what fat bastards we are! We are given various before and after shots and shown just how easy it is to undo the glutton of the holidays.

Not this year Mel B! (sorry but she’s the first one that came to mind, her and those bloody Jenny Craig adverts)

As someone with a history of eating disorders, I’m only too aware how much work it takes to undo such painful and deeply damaging narratives around weight and what is expected (of women especially) come January, and well, every other month of the year.

I was playing in my wardrobe recently, enjoying some intuitive dressing, (more on this soon) when I came to the realization something that past me would have not been ok with. That is, the sizing labels in my clothes are no longer a source of trauma for me. In my wardrobe currently my clothes include sizes L, XL, XXL, UK16, UK 20, and US size 16s and I feel, well, neutral. They are merely a number on a tag, not an indication of how much of a failure I am, or how I’ll never live up to ‘my full potential’ as a size 0. I literally shudder as I write that.

When I look back at the times I hated my wardrobe, it was usually because of one of two reasons. Either it was filled with items that used to fit, or I had bought hoping one day they would, (hello ‘thinspiration’) and as such could not bear to part with. Doing so would have meant I had given up on myself.

The other reason was the items that displayed a clothing size that I deemed too high a number. A size that confirmed the damage was done. It wasn’t uncommon at one point in my life to cut out tags from my clothes, lest I don’t see the clothing size. But I still knew. I still looked at my clothes in larger sizes with contempt, and the sizes that were too small with intense longing.

Upon realizing this is how I used to think, it made me wonder how many people still hate their wardrobe for these reasons? How much power does a number on a tag hold over us? How many people are still waiting to be a certain size before they allow themselves the possibility to enjoy their wardrobe, right now? But when you take into consideration that very few brands actually carry inclusive sizing, is it really a surprise? I wrote about my favorite basics as someone with tits and ass, but i’m also aware when it comes to sizing I still have some sizing privilege.

Of course there are many reasons you might hate your wardrobe, but I still think a lot of people hold the belief they cannot experiment with what they wear until they achieve that illusive goal weight.

If I could go back to a past version of myself, in addition to giving her lots of love and kindness, I’d tell her to stop waiting. To stop waiting until she’s a certain size to enjoy getting dressed. I’d tell her, yes your body's going to change, again and again, but there is beauty and joy throughout. I’d tell her don’t miss out on the creativity you could unlock, and that ultimately, it would help heal her.

My weight fluctuates, it will continue to change throughout my life span, and this is why generally speaking, I prefer to size up in my clothes. I value comfort above anything else. I refuse to squeeze myself into a smaller size just to hold up a narrative that it’s worth being in pain to fit a certain dress size.

I also know that the neutrality of seeing numbers as just that, means I buy clothes in the size based on how I want the fit to look. That might mean I buy a size 20 Jacket because I want it to look more oversized, or I want a pair of trousers to sit mid rise instead of high rise. I am able to make decisions based on what I choose, what feels good based on my own aesthetic preferences, vs what Instagram or the internet in general tells me is the trend du jour.

Getting to a place of body neutrality isn’t a switch you can flick, it takes time, and your journey is yours. It’s ok if it doesn’t look like mine or anyone else’s. I’d be lying if I said I love my body all the time, but I do respect it now. Somedays i’m in awe of it and there are infinitely more days than not where I feel at home in my body. For that, i’m eternally grateful. All this to say if you’re feeling shit right now, don’t hate on your wardrobe. Buy clothes that fit you, clothes that bring you joy. Turn your anger towards the dickheads that want you to believe you need to look a certain way and that your worth is determined by the size of your jeans.

In addition to exploring creativity through personal style, one of the reasons I made my no buy styling course, was I wanted other people to reconnect to the joy of play in their wardrobe. I want to help people feel at home in their body, and see their closet as a safe space, somewhere that isn’t tethered to hard styling rules, and equally, doesn’t require you to go and spend thousands on a brand new wardrobe in order to do so.

These are some of the things that over time, have helped me see a clothing size as just numbers on a piece of cloth. Take what’s helpful, and of course, leave anything that isn’t.

1. Accepting I couldn’t change my mind about this overnight. For the years it took to convince my brain and uphold society’s belief I needed to be a certain size, I understood it would likely take years (and help from a mental health professional) to redefine my relationship to my weight and my wardrobe. And ultimately, see the standards I had placed on myself for what they were…unrealistic and unnecessary.

2. Confronting the rules I had made for myself when it came to my wardrobe and my weight, what I could and couldn’t wear, and the idea that clothes had to make me look thinner. And instead, choosing what would I like to believe instead, even if it would take time to really believe it.

3. I went to several stores and tried on clothes in the same size, and the results were fascinating. In some stores the same size would come up teeny tiny and in others the polar opposite. This helped my brain see that fit and comfort is more important than size, from the lens of choosing the fit I wanted, outside of what the clothing tag said.

4. I opted out of diet culture. (Ok this one isn’t easy, but I did what I could) I stopped engaging in conversations that I considered diet culture. No longer was I asking friends what diet they were doing or preparing to do next. I unfollowed people that were promoting (what I considered) unhealthy approaches to diet and exercise.

5. I stopped weighing myself/measuring myself. I’ve spoken about this before here, but this continues to give me so much peace.

Doing these things as a practice, vs a one and done and expecting myself to think differently overnight was the start of getting comfy in my body, and my sense of personal style. If you are struggling with anything i’ve shared here today, I’m sending you the biggest hug and I genuinely hope you are able to get the help and support you deserve.

Thanks for reading

Harry x