How to dress for yourself, not your partner
What is 'sexy'?
For some getting dressed every day is a source of joy, or maybe, it’s just a mundane task, while for others it creates a wave of anxiety, thanks to other people’s expectations of how we should look and societal pressures to look ‘pleasing’, especially to the male gaze.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely when people say nice things about what we’re wearing, but getting dressed is always more fun, and far more rewarding when its for yourself. The hardest part of being able to dress for yourself is to first unlearn everything you’ve ever been told or made to believe about getting dressed and who it’s *actually* for.
I also think it’s worth redefining certain ideals, for example, what is your version of sexy, especially if you couldn’t get it wrong?
For example, I grew up in the 90’s and 00’s where ‘sexy’ meant low rise jeans with your midriff out (think Britney, JLO and Jessica Simpson), and LOTs of skin on show. Skin is sexy, but do you know what else is sexy….High waisted pants, turtle necks and oversized sculptural jackets that most would argue are ‘unflattering’.
Which begs the question…unflattering to whom?
If there’s one word I've come to loath, especially as a UK size 14/16 woman, it’s the term ‘flattering’. If we’re truly being honest with ourselves, more times than not flattering has become code for ‘makes you look thinner’, or ‘you can see your body’. Both of which society has led us to believe makes us more desirable and a goal worth pursuing.
But I don’t want my wardrobe to be a measuring stick for how well or not i’m measuring up to someone else’s idea of what is sexy. My wardrobe gets to be a safe place that makes me feel empowered based on what I feel good in and what I choose to decide is sexy, a version that I have claimed as my own.
Understandably there are many factors we need to consider when getting dressed, eg the weather, comfort, the activities we will perform in our clothes, but if there is one thing I urge you to challenge, it’s the thought that getting dressed is for someone else.
It’s funny when me and my partner go out i’m often what most people would consider ‘over dressed’ where as Dave is the opposite. He’s most comfortable in t-shirt and jeans (many of which have holes in or are donkeys years old. But I reject the idea that just because someone else is dressed more casual that I have to be too.
Women especially, will look for one another to determine the level of ‘dressiness’ that is deemed appropriate ‘what are you wearing’ is used to determine what is acceptable and what is not. If no one was going to see you, what would feel exciting for you to wear? What do you want to try? Start there, and give yourself room to play.
Getting dressed can be mundane task, but it also gets to be as creative as painting a picture, or moulding clay.
There’s nothing wrong with showing skin, or wearing tight fitting clothing, but I want to make it clear ‘sexy’ isn’t something another person can define for you, because there isn’t one singular definition.
For the most part, figure hugging clothes make me feel very uncomfortable because they don’t represent my version of sexy. And to be clear it’s also to be celebrated if the opposite is true for you. Personally, I feel incredibly sexy in head to toe tailoring and I LOVE a turtle neck. We are all different, but it’s only when we reject societal notions of what is the right way to dress, or what will make us more attractive to a partner that we can find our own interpretation.
This is one reason why I think so many people have a genuine desire to discover/rediscover their personal style, especially if they come to the realisation that what they currently wear has been built on other people’s ideals and expectations. There is something so freeing in asking yourself…what do I like? What do I want to wear? What makes me feel sexy? Irrelevant of what anyone else thinks.
And if you are looking for help discovering your personal style, I made a free guide for you here.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for all your support
Harry x
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I really really love this post. I called out one portion, but there were so many that spoke to me so deeply. This idea of starting from what your heart wants vs. what others are wearing. Yes. After being told what's right and wrong in fashion, tuning into the heart is a much needed practice. Thank you for this!
Interestingly, living in more conservative parts of the world forced me to re-assess what felt good to wear, because sexy was not an option any more. It was not what my heart wanted, but instead I was forced to stick to new (to me) social norms for personal safety/professional acceptability.
Now that I live somewhere more free (which I do recommend, its not nice to be in a 'must be covered up' headspace all the time); I am much more conscious of how I feel wearing something, in a certain context. I find I hate the feeling of a flimsy, skimpy dress, I actually feel vulnerable and unsafe. However the same amount of skin showing in a sturdier fabric might work well for me.
This journey of course includes my partner-(yes he's from that conservative place) who had to get used to (and graciously did) ways of dressing that for me are comfortable/empowering in the right context but were at first uncomfortable for him (my legs and shoulders will be free, damnit)