How I stopped hating my body (and made it a home I want to live in)

Including the tangible things I do and come back to

TW: This post references weight and eating disorders so please feel free to sit this one out if it doesn’t sound like something you want to read. And as always, take what’s helpful and leave the rest. Hx

A photo my friend Gina took of me. If only we could see ourselves through the eyes of people who love us as we are

I’ve been wanting to write this one for a while, and even coming up with a title that felt both accurate and honest, wasn’t easy. My first instinct was to call it something like ‘how I learned to love my body’, but that didn’t feel authentic, because how I feel about my body can change on a daily basis.

But what I do know to be true, and what I can say with conviction is I no longer hate my body. Hate might seem a strong word but in a world where women are continually measured by our appearance it makes sense that is, or at least one time or another has been many people’s reality. Sadly it’s much more common to hate our bodies than it is to love them.

I grew up working in the beauty and fashion industry and while that in of itself posed it’s own challenges, I was equally aware and unable to escape the daily grind of diet culture and comparison within my own household, at school and amongst friends.

The world I grew up in never taught me how to love myself without conditions.

There was a always a problem to fix or something to improve. As a makeup artist who worked in the industry before we had plus size models, I was only too aware from the models who sat in front of me day in day out what I was meant to aspire to. And yet the irony was that while they were considered the personification of beauty, they were no happier or more secure in themselves either.

I watched brands I worked with pin an already miniscule coat within an inch of its life to a size zero body. The illusion had no bounds. Once the images were taken followed the scrutinizing of her face and body in post production, aka photoshop. Limbs were lengthened, skin smoothed and often the size of hips/waist reduced even further. Every click of the mouse was an insult to women, and a mockery of the human body.

After (unsurprisingly) struggling with an eating disorder in my early twenties, I had to relearn how to befriend my body. With the addition of professional help for which I will be forever grateful, looking back there are some things that not only stopped me hating my body, but they helped me see it from a different lens. I don’t think the goal is to love our body every waking second, but neutrality towards it, and gratitude for it are things I continue to work towards.

For me it started with confronting the messaging I had consumed both intentionally and unintentionally. I had to ask who benefited from me thinking this way? *Cough*…the diet industry, patriarchy oh and hello capitalism.

I had to feel all the stages of grief. First the denial that they got into my head and that I was so susceptible to their messaging. Then anger towards people and corporations who benefited from me hating my body, followed by sadness for the time I would never get back that I’d spent obsessing over what I looked like.

But awareness is powerful. And when I let myself feel all the feelings I was able to start rebuilding a relationship with myself, one that wasn’t dependant on how I looked. It isn’t perfect, and some days I wobble, but I no longer withhold love from myself irrelevant of what my size is, or how I look.

I want to share the tangible things I did/do that genuinely stopped me hating my body. Things that led to liking my body, and some days, even being able to love it. Above all, I have an unshakable gratitude for it, what it can do and the fact that it is mine.

Enjoying getting dressed to meet a friend for high tea….yes in LA! Dress (currently on sale btw) - Bag - Sandals - Earrings

Going to the Korean Spa

I remember the first time a friend invited me to the Korean spa in LA. “Sure, I love the spa,” I thought, but then she mentioned we’d be naked, along with everyone else. Was I comfortable with that? Ummmm… let me think. I knew it would push me out of my comfort zone, but I trusted her, so I said yes.

What I didn’t expect was how healing the experience would be. Being around women of all ages, shapes, and sizes simply existing in their bodies, caring for themselves without shame, it was a kind of medicine I didn’t know I needed. There was no hiding, no negative self-talk, just presence. Now, whenever I start to fall back into old patterns of body judgment, I think of that space, a space where being present in my body felt normal, even beautiful.

I stopped buying fashion magazines

This might seem strange given that I run a style newsletter and I talk about beauty on my YouTube channel but if I can’t curate the content I want to see, content I know supports my mental health and the relationship i’ve worked hard to build with myself, then I don’t want it. I prefer to save my money and support substack creators who push back against the idea that style only comes in one shape or size.

I opt out of conversations around diet culture

You know, the ones where everyone sits down and takes turns describing what they hate about themselves and how they plan on changing it. And chances are, if someone wants to share the details of how they lost their baby weight in ten days, we probably won’t be friends. I tend to avoid spending time amongst people who want to bond over how quickly they’ve lost weight, and all the ways in which they’ve done so.

I buy clothes that fit me now (not when i’m ten pounds lighter)

There is a past version of me that bought clothes intentionally that were too small. They were used as motivation (read thinspiration), a way to encourage me to lose weight. I no longer believe I have to wait to be a certain size to feel good in my clothes and enjoy getting dressed. If something is too small, then it goes to a new home. I buy something that fits me now. I deserve to feel good in my clothes no matter what size I am.

I made friends with the mirror

I get this might sound a little like a pinterest quote, but hear me out. I used to avoid the mirror, but something changed when I started standing in front of it and instead of focusing on what I didn’t like I would find something I did. Even if it was something random like my shoulders. I would practice saying nice things to myself. When my mind did want to return to a part I wanted to talk shit about I would ask myself why. Why do you hate this part? Why do you think it needs to be different? I’d also ask myself where did that thought come from, and nine times out of ten it was because of something i’d heard someone else say or something i’d seen. This helped me remember I get to define my own beauty standards. You might have heard of a body scan (a mindfulness practice), well I think of it in a similar way but it’s in front of the mirror with my eyes open. I let myself witness my body. How it changes, how it feels, how it’s aging and I try to observe whatever thoughts come up. I hold space for the thoughts (even the not so nice ones) but I don’t acknowledge them to be true.

I seek out bodies that look like mine

I can’t stress this enough but making sure I see bodies that look like my own is always something that brings me peace. I remember when I was first coming out of my eating disorder I would visit the London galleries with renaissance paintings and stand in front of images filled with naked women of all shapes and sizes. Seeing women in larger bodies being worshiped, and presented as goddesses was something I needed to see. When it comes to exploring style as a creative outlet it’s easy to feel left out when the majority of fashion inspo on pinterest continuously offers up one body type. Search for mid size and plus size style creators, and make sure you consume content from a diverse range of creators.

I specify if i’m looking for advice

I was reminded of how helpful this is thanks to a recent conversation amongst some wonderful women I admire, whom I’m lucky enough to call friends. When it comes to our thoughts about our appearance (and pretty much anything else as it turns out) I think it’s helpful to remember that some people genuinely think they are being helpful when they offer advice about our bodies, and it’s ok to preface ‘hey can I just vent about this/can I just share how i’m feeling, but i’m not looking for advice.’ As a friend, being able to listen is something I want to get better at, and I need reminding of this one constantly.

I take photos of myself, for myself

There’s something really beautiful about self portraiture. About taking photos of yourself that no one else has to see. For years I remained a floating head on the internet, because talking about beauty didn’t call for the rest of my body to be on show. Instead it was able to remain hidden, safe from scrutiny. But I have always loved style, and when I started my Substack I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted to share my love of getting dressed. I started by taking photos of myself in outfits purely for me. I didn’t even know if i’d ever share them, but the process, the act of allowing all of me to be visible has also been healing. So if you haven’t tried it before, allow yourself the intimacy of getting to know your body by photographing it, with or without clothes. Create your own set. Be the art director. You never have to share it with a single soul if you don’t want to, this is for you.

I’d love to know in the comments if you feel comfortable to do so, what has helped you feel at home in your body?

Thank you for reading and for being here

Harry x

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