Did my 365 no buy wardrobe challenge help diagnose my depression?
& finding comfort in getting dressed
What happens when you take away all your buffers, aka all the things that distract you from what you’re REALLY feeling? In today’s Substack I want to explore one of the outcomes that I don’t think I could have predicted doing a 365 no buy wardrobe challenge.
If you follow style accounts on Instagram or TikTok then you’ve likely seen the reel that talks about ‘my toxic trait is that I always feel I need a little treat’, and for me that feels very accurate. I’ve spent a lot of my life chasing a high, looking for things outside of myself to make me feel good, to make me feel ‘happy’, Whether that’s with work, food, or approval from others.
But I didn’t know how much shopping was also in there until I decided to commit to a year of not buying anything new for my wardrobe (currently at around day 75). A little treat here, a little treat there, a new bag, new shoes, a bracelet… even when I told myself ‘I have enough’ some new shiny thing would promise to take the edge off of life once more.
Above Linen shirt and shorts old from H&M - Sandals Toteme, Bag Ezra Arthur
It’s not that i’ve found my no buy challenge particularly challenging in the sense that I have wanted to buy things, but it has created a lot of space, space and mental clarity that was previously filled with ways to distract myself from what needed to be felt. Feelings I’m going to be honest, I didn’t want to feel.
Before being diagnosed with depression, I had started to notice a desire to ignore my feelings in other ways, like escaping in food, work and excess sleep. I spoke about navigating weight gain and a forever wardrobe gain in a previous substack, because even then I could see that I wasn’t taking care of myself, but because i’ve struggled with mental health issues in the past, I think i’ve been quicker to recognise it this time faster because more buffers have been removed. I’ve had no choice but to feel.
This is not an anti shopping post. It’s not an anti ‘treat’ post. I love shopping, and I genuinely believe that when I get dressed for me, I feel better. I think the difference is having the awareness to distinguish what genuinely is a ‘treat’ or something I genuinely desire vs a compulsive habit that acts as a buffer to prevent me from saying ‘I’m not ok.’
Above Shirt old H&M - Aritzia Effortless Pants - Chanel dad sandals - Andersons belt
I love the power of getting dressed, and it’s also interesting that one of the things that has genuinely helped me navigate this depression is getting dressed, washing my hair and taking pride in my appearance. There’s something so powerful about deciding to look nice for yourself, it’s like the biggest fuck you to the voice in your head that says you don’t deserve to feel good.
I always say on my YouTube channel when i’m talking about expensive items I bought for my wardrobe, I don’t owe anyone an explanation or reason as to why I bought something and how I spend my money. Women are publicly ridiculed for our spending habits and made to feel like we have to explain or justify our purchases and that has never sat right with me. You get to choose what you do with your money and so do I. But what this challenge has helped me recognise is more ways to determine if I like my reasons for making a purchase, no matter what it is, or how much it is. Its helped me recognise when shopping is a buffer vs when it’s not.
There are times when shopping is instinctual, and it’s in the moment that we find the thing we didn’t know we wanted or needed until it is presented in front of us, and other times, we do need more time to make a buying decision. Both can exist.
Above Dress is old H&M - Julie Earrings Lie Studio - Sandals Toteme - Bag Dragon Diffusion
Sometimes the shiny new thing is it, and there’s tremendous joy in owning that thing, in purchasing it, in bringing it home, opening the box and enjoying it, savoring it, and sometimes we need something outside of the shiny thing to make us feel happy, or at the least to recognise we need something else.
Thankfully I am getting the help and support I need with my mental health and i’m sending love and support to anyone else who is struggling with their mental health right now.
I get why fashion gets a bad rap as making people feel shite about themselves but i’ve always seen personal style as something different from fashion. I genuinely believe that finding your personal style and exploring it is incredibly healing, because it brings you back to yourself.
I’m grateful this challenge has helped me recognise that while I have a wardrobe I love, and I get so much pleasure out of getting dressed, there is something I need right now, that I won’t be able to find in a new purchase.
Thanks for reading
Harry xo